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November 27, 2012
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"The sun grew darker and dimmer as the humans' towers rose taller. Some believe it was to keep ourselves from burning in hellfire as we ascended to the heavens; a marriage to nature that ensured our well-being."
~Argus Vallure


One

"Humanity had fallen unto its hubris. That unequivocal self admiration remained – even in the last of days, as they built upon where we now stand..."

Rifel crossed his arms, tapping a single foot against the harshly depressed soil; oblivious to the destruction of the young grass and flora this action would surely author. He raised an arm to gesture as if he were pointing below; his large vulpine paw implying that significance may lay in the infinite abyss below.

This, as if some sort of pseudo-cue, caused the ursa beside him to step ahead and look as instructed, squinting his eyes as the intense sun shone on the two conversing males, penetrating the clouds to mark the slowly continuing day.

"You're the only person I know, who can come here for days on end and stare only at fog – as if some sort of latent importance were waiting to be found." He scoffed, standing almost a full foot shorter than Rifel, and easily twice as burly.

"It's not what I'm looking to find, Duncan." Rifel responded. "It's what I know I cannot find that is most important to me. As if it were a plague."

"A plague indeed." was Duncan's reply. "When it impacts your life so. I dislike having to be bold, but The Triumvirate has spoken."

"As they do almost endlessly. Please, explain yourself." Rifel bit.

"They've spoken of your inaction. It seems to bother them more than I."

The vulpine retreated his paw, and brought it up to stroke his chin. This was a contemplative gesture, and based purely on superstition, it helped him think.

"My inaction to what end?" Rifel asked patiently, continuing to stroke the small tuft of fur that had protruded from his chin. "I am tasked with many assignments."

"They would not say. It must be a very secretive matter."

"So you do not know?"

"I do not."

"Then I know... exactly what they spoke of." Rifel smiled.

The two males stood on what was commonly referred to as an outlook. This kinmade creation came about several hundred years ago, and at its essence was a gargantuan drop-off. When the natural beauty of the Towers' edges began to recede due to time's harsh erosion, the inhabitants thought to beautify them with hedges, water and flowers. It was never established the distance between here and the surface, but any kin was sure that the fall was nigh insurmountable, partly due to the constant fog that would obscure any effort to make out the surface below. The Towers had resembled the architecture of ancient humanity – as if in their last moments, they were reverted to a primitive state, repercussions of their failures.

With that in mind, during their creation they were often used in a disciplinary fashion – to send those unfit for life to their death in the unknown.  This had certainly been outlawed almost as fast as it had been put into motion – and the outlooks became places of serenity -- of isolation and beauty.

When one were to bathe themselves in the vistas the outlook would provide, their lives would be surely changed. But due to obvious reasons, it was a day of fog, leaving little to be seen below and multitudes to the imagination -- as most days had done, and most would continue to do.

"Will you speak honestly with me, Duncan?" Rifel proposed, as he tilted his head towards the younger ursa, who still seemed to be overtaken by the fog.

"It-- it would be my pleasure." Duncan shook his head for clarity.

"I want you to think very carefully before you answer my question."

"Absolutely, sir."

"You were staring quite profoundly over the outlook. What did you see?"

"The same as you, and nothing more." Duncan replied.

Between the two conversing males rested a minuscule stream. It originated from inside The Triumvirate's amphitheatre, and slowly trickled over the outlook.

Valessa strained to hear the continuation of this exchange from her vantage point beyond some nearby bushes, her notebook clutched tightly in-paw as she hoped to glean valuable information from the males. It didn't matter if the information interested her; while this conversation was certainly intriguing, the important thing was whether it was of interest to her client. If it could be sold for money – that was all that she cared about. She had to eat, after all, so she knelt down to obscure herself more, as the conversation continued -- completely invisible to the two kin guarding the outlook.
:iconkylelambert:
The beginning.
Is this readable?
I can't figure out how to indent new paragraphs. Anyone else know?
It's not the end of the world. But my OCD wants to make it look exactly like it does in my word processor.

CHANGELOG:
12/03/12:
- Changed It's and Its.
- Changed men to male, to avoid human confusion. Will change woman to female.
- Described things a little different to make their introductions seem less abrupt.

12/09/12:
- FINAL VERSION
- Changed description of The Outlook.
- Changed Dialogue to fit the characters more.
- Mentioned that the towers look like ancient human architecture. When the name Roma is mentioned earlier it will give the reader a clear view of what the world looks like.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconpink-coffee-cup:
So, this story starts on an interesting note. It's certainly unique in the characters' sense, and it definitely has a bit of an "Animal Farm" feel to it. I like the different personalities established here, how the first chapter ended with Valessa eavesdropping. It hints that this story will get interesting fast.

My only complaint is that it's a bit boring for an introduction. I think you're relying too heavily on the setting to tell the story, and it should really be characters or plot instead. I want to know about the scenery, the towers and the streams and stuff. But I want to know when the towers are burning, or blood runs through the streams. Something that gives me action AND description in one go.

In this day and age, books need to grab a reader's attention in the first 500 words, or they'll stop reading. This story fails to do that for me. At this point, the most interesting character doesn't even appear until two others have had some existential debate. I want to know more about Valessa and her trek through the wilderness. I want to know more about her talents and profession.

Other than that, it's a decent read. You have a solid grasp on grammar and spelling, something that's very important for readers. Your writing is a bit flowery for me--I kind of feel like I'm digesting a thesaurus reading this--but it gets the description across, which is nice.

Overall, good job. I'll keep reading for some action. :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconevanhenry:
I like it! There are a few places where I think you could trim some of the adjectives, and for an opening chapter it could probably use a little more exposition and maybe some more physical description of the characters, but it really is very good!

I would also add a little more to the penultimate paragraph so it’s not just a single sentence sitting there, and remove the phrase *commonly referred to as* in the graph about Rifel and Duncan.

If you want a critique that is a little more pedantic, the phrase *came about* in the same graph should be *had come about* (read up on the past perfect tense for the boring reasons why).

Again, very good, though, and much better, in fact, than most of the stuff I have dealt with as an editor. :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconstanleythecat:
~stanleythecat Jun 1, 2013  Student Artist
Awesome!
Reply
:iconspidermilkshake:
*SpiderMilkshake Jun 1, 2013  Professional General Artist
This is very intriguing... I like how realistic your dialogue is, with the vague back-and-forth that would be expected of two highly-strung (fur-covered) persons. They sound very human, I'm guessing that's intentional. :D

And my question is answered! They are anthropomorphized, or at least adapted to be more human-like (grasping is not a thing modern foxes do well... :XD:). I like how you use adaptations of scientific taxa to define races too. :)

I will have to read more of these soon, but I haven't time and energy right now. :D
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
*KyleLambert Jun 1, 2013  Professional Writer
I look forward to your input on the other entries!
I love comments like yours, that are obviously insightful and not just caring about the contest entry.
Reply
:iconspidermilkshake:
*SpiderMilkshake Jun 1, 2013  Professional General Artist
:meow: I care about the contest too, but mostly cuz it reminded me that I hadn't gotten around to reading these yet. :D But a Pm that I don't have to pay money for would be nice... :meow:

Thankee. I'm working on a Creative Writing major right now, so I haven't totally forgotten how to critique yet over summer. :XD:
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
*KyleLambert Jun 1, 2013  Professional Writer
Oooo, a CW Major. I'll have yo hire you on to be my editor.
Reply
:iconcodyxamber:
Mood: Joy ~CodyXAmber Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
This is really good! (:


Your quite talented!
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
*KyleLambert Jun 1, 2013  Professional Writer
Thanks! <3<3<3
Reply
:iconcodyxamber:
~CodyXAmber Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Your welcome! :hug:
Reply
:iconstumpitupwoodworks:
*STUMPITUPWoodworks Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
I don't normally read things posted on DA, but I am an avid reader. I enjoyed the beginning - it didn't grab me by the neck, but it does have my attention. I will be reading more :)
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
*KyleLambert Jan 30, 2013  Professional Writer
I'm glad I didn't grab you by the neck!
I don't want my book to go giving me harassment suits.
Reply
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