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"The sun grew darker and dimmer as the humans' towers rose taller. Some believe this was to keep ourselves from burning in hellfire as we ascended to the heavens; a marriage to nature that ensured our well-being."
~Argus Vallure


One

       "Humanity had fallen unto it's hubris. Rising in tandem with the Towers, their unwavering pride ensured that soon, all but naught would remain of their kind. A self admiration that spread as a cancer on their world, gave birth to us... Born from a cancer... what does that make us?"

Rifel crossed his arms, tapping a single foot against the harshly depressed soil, oblivious to the destruction of the young grass and flora this action would surely author. He raised an arm to gesture as if he were pointing below, his large vulpine paw implying that significance may lay in the infinite abyss below.

This, as if some sort of pseudo-cue, caused the ursa beside him to step forward and look as instructed, both curious and confused as to what Rifel could be pointing out.

"You're the only person I know, who can come here for days on end and stare only at fog – as if some sort of latent importance were waiting to be found." He scoffed, standing almost a full foot shorter than Rifel, and easily twice as burly.

"It's not what I'm looking to find, Duncan." Rifel responded. "It's what I know I cannot find that is most important to me. As if it were a plague..."

"A plague indeed," was Duncan's reply. "when it impacts your life so. I dislike having to be bold, but The Triumvirate has spoken."

"As they do almost endlessly." Rifel bit. "Please explain yourself."

"They've spoken of your inaction. It seems to bother them more than I."

The vulpine retreated his paw, and brought it up to stroke his chin. This was a contemplative gesture, and based purely on superstition, it helped him think.

"My inaction to what end?" Rifel asked patiently, continuing to rub the small tuft of fur that protruded from his chin. "I am tasked with many assignments."

"They would not say. It must be a very secretive matter."

"So you don't know?"

"I do not."

"In your ignorance you've told me... exactly what they speak of." Rifel smiled.

The two males stood on what was commonly referred to as an outlook. This kinmade creation came about several hundred years ago, and at its essence was a gargantuan drop-off. When the natural beauty of the Towers' edges began to recede due to time's harsh erosion, the inhabitants thought to beautify them with hedges, water and flowers. It was never established the distance between here and the surface, but any kin was sure that the fall was nigh insurmountable, partly due to the constant fog that would obscure any effort to make out the surface below.

With that in mind, during their creation they were often used in a disciplinary fashion – to send those unfit for life to their death in the unknown.  This had certainly been outlawed almost as fast as it was put into motion – and the outlooks then became places of serenity, of isolation and beauty.

When one were to bathe themselves in the vistas the outlook would provide, their lives would be surely changed. But due to obvious reasons, it was a day of fog, leaving little to be seen below and multitudes to the imagination. As most days had done, and most would continue to do. Duncan had wondered how seeing such a grim haze could be life changing to anybody, but never stopped to question The Triumvirate's stance on the outlooks.

"Will you speak honestly with me, Duncan?" Rifel proposed, as he tilted his head towards the younger ursa, who still seemed overtaken by the fog.

"It-- it would be my pleasure." Duncan shook his head for clarity, as if to snap himself out of a reverie.

"I want you to think very carefully before you answer my question."

"Absolutely, sir."

"You were staring quite profoundly over the outlook. What did you see?"

"The same as you, and nothing more." Duncan replied.

Between the two conversing males rested a minuscule stream. It originated from inside The Triumvirate's amphitheatre, and slowly trickled over the outlook.

Valessa strained to hear the continuation of this exchange from her vantage point beyond some nearby bushes, her notebook clutched tightly in-paw as she hoped to glean valuable information from the males. It didn't matter if the information interested her; while this conversation was certainly intriguing, the important thing was whether it was of interest to her client. If it could be sold for money - that was all that she cared about. She had to eat, after all, and so she knelt down to obscure herself more, as the conversation continued, her small form completely invisible to the two kin guarding the outlook.
The beginning.
Is this readable?
I can't figure out how to indent new paragraphs. Anyone else know?
It's not the end of the world. But my OCD wants to make it look exactly like it does in my word processor.

CHANGELOG:
12/03/12:
- Changed It's and Its.
- Changed men to male, to avoid human confusion. Will change woman to female.
- Described things a little different to make their introductions seem less abrupt.

12/09/12:
- FINAL VERSION
- Changed description of The Outlook.
- Changed Dialogue to fit the characters more.
- Mentioned that the towers look like ancient human architecture. When the name Roma is mentioned earlier it will give the reader a clear view of what the world looks like.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconsupercoconut98:
This is probably the first furry novel I've ever read, and yes, I said novel. This first page is well written, as well as the fact that it paints a perfect picture in my head. I can just see Valessa cringing at the thought of water. So far, I can see that Valessa and Rifel are vulpine, but just vulpine is as far as I can see. Authors usually do put in a small description of the characters featured in the beginning, in the beginning of the story, I'm sure I'll find more details later thought. So far I have a really good idea of their characteristics; personality, but not too much their appearance. I really like the story so far, and I will DEFINITELY read more! I'm exited to read more, but I'd have to wait because I don't have much access to anything but my mobile device, which is pretty old, and it's kinda hard to read on it!

Btw, Valessa is scared of water. Valessa is a spy, meaning she will have many places where she won't have time to be scared of it, which is a burden. I can foreshadow really well what's gonna happen! ;D
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconop7swimmer:
It feels, Reminisce of something like Redwall.
At least the theme feels like it.
It is well written however, and that is important.
It feels slightly predictable, though I could be proven viciously wrong later.
Regardless, I have faith that in time this has the potential to be something special. Something Unique.
Again though, your writing style is art within itself, I can't stress this enough.
I shall return, and follow this story as it goes, simply because it has piqued my curiosity.
Now, I hate to seem rude, but you should give your world something to contrast from the norm, be it a character, a place, or something to that extent.
Gratia, for introducing me to this world, now let's see how well you can bring it to life.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconwolfcraz-11:
wolfcraz-11 Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I had to look up what vulpine is but afterwards I was intrigued. I can't wait to read the next chapter and find out more details! If I were living in this world, I would spend a lot of time on outlooks. Perhaps find a favorite garden...makes me want to see it. I wonder what other kinds of kin there will be! It sounds beautiful.
Reply
:iconcutiepiedaisy1:
CutiePieDaisy1 Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
TO. MANY. SMART. WORDS!
I will carry on tho.
...
...
...
...
...
CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON.
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Professional Writer
THERE'LL BE PEACE WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Reply
:iconcutiepiedaisy1:
CutiePieDaisy1 Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
LAY YOUR WEARY HEAD TO REST
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Professional Writer
DON'T YOU CRY NO MORE
Reply
:iconcutiepiedaisy1:
CutiePieDaisy1 Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
NO
*RADICAL GUITAR SOLO*
Reply
:iconshadowequinox:
shadowequinox Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
:iconiloveitplz:
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Professional Writer
Thanks. That face looks uber happy o.o
Reply
:iconshadowequinox:
shadowequinox Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I REALLY enjoyed the story.
Reply
:iconvalintinechaotix:
valintinechaotix Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013
These character are interesting :3
Reply
:iconstanleythecat:
stanleythecat Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Student Artist
Awesome!
Reply
:iconspidermilkshake:
SpiderMilkshake Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Professional General Artist
This is very intriguing... I like how realistic your dialogue is, with the vague back-and-forth that would be expected of two highly-strung (fur-covered) persons. They sound very human, I'm guessing that's intentional. :D

And my question is answered! They are anthropomorphized, or at least adapted to be more human-like (grasping is not a thing modern foxes do well... :XD:). I like how you use adaptations of scientific taxa to define races too. :)

I will have to read more of these soon, but I haven't time and energy right now. :D
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Professional Writer
I look forward to your input on the other entries!
I love comments like yours, that are obviously insightful and not just caring about the contest entry.
Reply
:iconspidermilkshake:
SpiderMilkshake Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Professional General Artist
:meow: I care about the contest too, but mostly cuz it reminded me that I hadn't gotten around to reading these yet. :D But a Pm that I don't have to pay money for would be nice... :meow:

Thankee. I'm working on a Creative Writing major right now, so I haven't totally forgotten how to critique yet over summer. :XD:
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Professional Writer
Oooo, a CW Major. I'll have yo hire you on to be my editor.
Reply
:icona-beautiful-agony:
A-Beautiful-Agony Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is really good! (:


Your quite talented!
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Professional Writer
Thanks! <3<3<3
Reply
:icona-beautiful-agony:
A-Beautiful-Agony Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Your welcome! :hug:
Reply
:iconstumpitupwoodworks:
STUMPITUPWoodworks Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
I don't normally read things posted on DA, but I am an avid reader. I enjoyed the beginning - it didn't grab me by the neck, but it does have my attention. I will be reading more :)
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Professional Writer
I'm glad I didn't grab you by the neck!
I don't want my book to go giving me harassment suits.
Reply
:iconstumpitupwoodworks:
STUMPITUPWoodworks Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Haha! No, I WANT a book to grab my by the neck within the first two or three pages! LOL! I think you're doing a fine job. Because I'm an artist and very visual, I go for writing that is very vivid, basically painting a picture with the words, like I'm there. I didn't get that from the first installment - but I am going to keep reading to see if it gets more colorful :)
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Professional Writer
It does. And in my defense these entries aren't as long as pages.
You probably wouldn't even be on page 2 of the physical book, these are just shorter tolerable entries.
(I find it's easier to ask people to read something in short bursts on DA.)
Reply
:iconboolosuspichu86:
BoolosusPichu86 Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
i must admit, but the more i read into these, the more attached i become... (:T although my music kind of distracted me at some parts and had me lose where i was reading...)
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Professional Writer
Music can be distracting at times. :P
But it can also be helpful. Sometimes I listen to it while I'm writing.
Reply
:iconwassupabra:
wassupabra Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Student General Artist
it reminds me of watership down a little bit, plenty of detail and a wide and interesting vocabulary ;3
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Professional Writer
Thankies!
Yeah, Watership down was a major influence. I'm glad it came through in the end.
Reply
:iconwassupabra:
wassupabra Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Student General Artist
dude i fucking LOVE water ship down X3 re-reading it actually
Reply
:iconkitsuneichigo:
KitsuneIchigo Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
I will admit quite readily that I'm not sure, exactly, what ursa or vulpine mean, though I understand the premise that animals have evolved to take homo sapiens place. Not being very furry savvy (is it okay to call them that? I saw you had that group when I looked at that page and I'm not really sure what else I could call them, so I hope you don't mind) could be a potential off putting thing if someone were to go and look at your book in store, online, whatever, however your story is nice enough, that so far, that doesn't really matter. I do wish that you had some description for them, though I think if I bothered to look up ursa or vulpine that might solve itself on it's own, but otherwise it is nice.

In the AC I noticed you went through and changed men to male and woman to female, but personally, considering that it seems, so far, that these humanoid animals have evolved to take the place of man they might have adopted sayings, customs, buildings, etc., from man and might refer to themselves as men/women, or they might not. Either way I don't think you should worry too much about it. :)

I do like how the beginning is rather mysterious. I did read Towers-1-000 (or however you had it) but that was mysterious in itself. It's good enough that I would like to read more, which I might very well do to see how it continues and whether I continue to like it or not.
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Professional Writer
Wow! Thanks for the great feedback.
And I understand that it might be complicated not to know what Ursa and Vulpine mean.
But they mean Bear and Fox respectively.
Reply
:iconkitsuneichigo:
KitsuneIchigo Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
Oh, jeez, I had something else in mind but now that you've said that I can recognize it. Thanks for clearing it up for me!
Reply
:iconronalden:
ronalden Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013
cooolll
Reply
:icondorianharper:
DorianHarper Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Professional Writer
There were a few grammatical errors and punctuation issues that could be cleaned up here and there, but for the most part, it was a quick and interesting read. It was a tad hard to read at first since the text is so light and small when it appears, but that may just be how my laptop is bringing it up. Aside from the small errors I mentioned, everything sounds alright for the most part. I'm sure after combing through a few more times, you'll be able to catch the grammar and some more of the punctuation. Best of luck!
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you very much! I am interested to know specifics about the errors you mentioned.
Reply
:icondorianharper:
DorianHarper Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Professional Writer
They're really just some punctuation and copy-editing things that I noticed most. Like I said, another run through and you'll probably pick up a lot of them. If you eventually submit to a publisher, most of what there probably won't matter editing-wise to get accepted if they feel the manuscript overall is publishable. The substantive and copy-editing teams would probably catch most of it before it goes to print.

Like I said, though, it's well-written, just a few punctuation and copy-editing stuff that stood out here and there, but some you might be able to snag with another thorough read through :aww:
Reply
:iconohbite:
Ohbite Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012
this captures me, ima curious so im like valessa wanting to know more i like how you made the outlook which was once a beautiful scene now fogged and unclear and that its a gargantuan drop off
Reply
:iconschrodingerscat39:
SchrodingersCat39 Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Professional Artisan Crafter
"My inaction to what end?" should probably be "My inaction on what front?" or "... in/on what task?"

The way you have it sounds like he's asking what will come of his inaction.
Reply
:iconblackblossomjewelry:
BlackBlossomJewelry Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
I love how you put a quote at the beginning. If find that it is very professional. I realize that this is in the future and it sounds like the human race had gone extinct.

About the dialogue. I think you should add some detail about how they were saying what they were saying like were they whispering or shouting or monotone or whatever.

"As they do almost endlessly. Please, explain yourself." Rifel bit.
That last part confuses me. Is it supposed to be like he bit his lip? If not that I don't understand the meaning. There are also a lot of words that are complicated, more so than they have to be. It kind of reminds my of papers that we write in elementary school to help us learn vocabulary words. Your story is definitely higher level than that, but that's what I feel like I'm doing when I read this.

Overall this sounds like an interesting story. I will be keeping this in my back pocket and will remember if I have any extra time on my hands.
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks for the kind words. I'd be honored if you gave me such good advice on the other parts as well.
I'm very proud of the opening quote. It's not from anything -- I just made it specifically for this.
Reply
:iconblackblossomjewelry:
BlackBlossomJewelry Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Oh, I didn't know you made it. It sounded so, I hate using the same descriptive words twice, professional I just though you'd taken it from a poem of something of the like.
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Professional Writer
Nope! If you read on you'll find I'm very poetic in the way I write.
Reply
:iconblackblossomjewelry:
BlackBlossomJewelry Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Well, I can tell already. This will be high on my list of things to do in my free time.
Reply
:iconthematchgirl327:
thematchgirl327 Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
i really like your writing, but i have a few suggestions :) -I've read the first submission and this one, and its a little unclear to understand the setting of the story and what exactly the characters are, because i can tell at least one is not human. Maybe a description of each character as they're introduced, just to give a really good mental image. Other than that though, this looks good and i think has potential :DD -thanks for the fav by the way.
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Professional Writer
I thought it was rather clear. D:
As humans died out they built massive towers into the sky. Humans died out, and the animals evolved to rule.
So everyone in the story is an animal, but they stand on two feet, have opposable thumbs, etc..
Ursa = Bear
Vulpine = Fox
Reply
:iconmountainfisher:
mountainfisher Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012
The sense of mystery is fabulously portrayed and the use of mist as a surrounding kept the mystery in the atmosphere.
You keep the reader reading, dropping small snippets throughout the piece, but I was still a little confused as to what they were talking about, but I expect I will find out in the next chapter!!
"and the outlooks became places of serenity, of isolation" - I might change the comma to a ellipsis, adding more effect, suggesting that they should be alone.
But a great piece, the atmosphere of mystery was fully established, and you kept me interested throughout.
This has great potential and I shall read the following ones with interest. It reminds me, like 5SilverFingers, of Brian Jacque.
Reply
:iconclockwisedream:
ClockwiseDream Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Needed a dictionary for the word or two, but I don't mind, it means I learned something new xD It's an interesting beginning :)
Reply
:iconsendmetosanfran:
sendmetosanfran Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is amazing.
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Professional Writer
Really? :D
What was your favourite part?
Reply
:iconsendmetosanfran:
sendmetosanfran Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's all great but I liked 002 and 003 the best.
Reply
:iconnoodlesaddict:
NoodlesAddict Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
To tell you the truth, this piece is way too complicated. Why so many difficult words? English is not my mother language but I study it since my 6 and still I need a dictionary to understand what you mean. And when I can't understand what your words mean, I can't understand the storyline. Your third piece was great. Simple, clean. With this, you confused me.
Reply
:iconeienhikaru:
eienhikaru Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012
The chapter overall is interesting and I found it to be an original concept. For a first chapter it's fairly well written while leaving the reader with more questions than answers, something that should encourage readers to continue reading in the expectation that those questions will be answered and elaborated upon in subsequent chapters.

There are a few things I'd like to point out, though.

:bulletred: implying that significance may lay underfoot -> "implying that significance may lie underfoot"
:bulletred: "You're the only person I know, who can come here for days on end and stare only at fog" - Comma use seems unnecessary, but may be a stylistic choice?
:bulletred: a full foot shorter than Rifel, and easily twice as burly. - Same as previous comma usage comment
:bulletred: "A plague indeed." was Duncan's reply. "When it impacts your life so. - The placement of "was Duncan's reply" seems awkward in the line and might be better placed following "When it impacts your life so."

I'm looking forward to reading the rest of this story, so keep it up!
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