Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login


The silence following this statement was almost painful in its intensity. Faced with this revelation, it took several moments for it to truly sink in: The Triumvirate wanted Rifel to take his student's life. When Duncan found the will to speak, Valessa could have sworn that, confronted with such a situation, she would have chosen the exact same words:

"Wh-what are you talking about, sir?"

"It's just as it sounds. They want me to kill you. A replacement has already been found, and--"

"And what!?" Duncan retorted. "You're going to listen to them just like that? Rifel, surely you know me better than to just... dispose of me like some pest!"

"I thought I did, Duncan. I thought I did."  Rifel said quietly as he closed his eyes. "Hold a kin upon the cliff's edge, and only then will you know their true intentions.  I tested you Duncan, and in your eagerness to make me proud you have only proven your disloyalty to The Triumvirate."

Duncan took a few steps back, as if to make a distance between him and Rifel, clearly shaken up. "You cannot possibly accuse me of disloyalty! I did everything you asked!"

"And yet it was not nearly enough, nor as important as this."

Valessa leaned in closer, sensing sorrow in Duncan's words. The bear went on to clench his fists together, visibly shaking from fear and anger. Somewhat irrational, Valessa thought. Rifel hadn't even shown the slightest desire to hurt him, this was purely a verbal joust at present.

"I killed them..." he said to Rifel. "Was that all for nothing?"

"That is irrelevant. Your credibility was thrown away the moment you said ignorance is an abomination. Like an arrow to my heart, without a reasonable doubt, it showed me that you are not fit to replace me. I lied, every word was a lie.  It was only a few days ago that The Triumvirate told me this needed to be done – that I needed to kill you.  They had told me that you were starting to sway from the true path – that you were starting to stray from their teachings. I chose not to believe it at first... After all, I had known you for several weeks, and you went on to display such promise. But it was all thrown away. Duncan, you think like a human, and for that you must be punished."

"Should I not be judged by that promise I showed!?" Duncan begged.

"You should not. Like a human, you cannot stand ignorance. You desire, nay, you need to know everything. It is that necessity that will lead to your downfall."

"That is nonsense!" Duncan blared. "Fine – I lied. I was just pretending to impress you so that you might come to like me more than you did! Really!"

"But you would never lie solely for my benefit, remember?" Rifel smiled, as he raised the pitch of his voice to impersonate Duncan. "Goodness no, Rifel. That's honestly how I feel."
"N-no! I refuse to believe this... I deserve a chance!"

"It must be so. This... desire of yours – to see all – to know all. It may seem small, but the humans thought the same. A simple seed, that blossomed into the destruction of their world – of their race. We have no place for that here! And so, your end must come by my hand, lest you cause such irreparable damage."

"Irreparable damage!?" Duncan cried out. "I killed my children, to prove that family would not get in the way. I killed my wife, to prove that love would not obscure my vision! I committed atrocities in the name of the trinity, do not speak to me of 'irreparable damage! Don't you dare!"

In that moment, and in an instant, Duncan was upon Rifel. The large weight of his body pinned the vulpine to the edge of the outlook as they crashed to the soil with an audible crack. Valessa peeked as much as she could without compromising her position – but she noticed just how calm Rifel seemed in comparison to his attacker. All she could think about was just how surreal it seemed; as if Rifel was coaxing Duncan into attacking, with no plans of self-defense.
This one is really important!!!
It's mostly dialogue -- but through it I hope to establish The Triumvirate's hate of free thinking -- to punish those that go against them for fear of making the same mistakes of the humans.
Is it rational? If it saves their world from death?
The rebellion doesn't think so, but some might argue a tight leash needs to be kept on society in order to not create disorder.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconapersonalcharm:
This part is very, very good. I loved it! You give us a very clear vision of the word they live in, and what is "right" and "wrong". The conversation flows easily, and the reactions are credible. I'm sorry, though - you need, need to change the first sentence. Come on - you started it with "Also"? How anticlimactic can you get?

"Also seeming to shock Duncan and Valessa in near perfect unison, it took several moments before the ursa mustered up the courage to break the almost invulnerable silence. It was quite interesting. Valessa had sworn, that were she in his situation, the words she spoke next would've been exactly the same:"

Please, something more.. dramatic. Maybe something like "The silence following this statement was almost painful in its intensity. Faced with this revelation, it took several moments for it to truly sink in: The Triumvirate wanted Riful to take his student's life. When Duncan found the words to speak, Valessa could have sworn that, confronted with such a situation, she would have chosen the same words:"

Otherwise, a wonderful read! Time to watch you so that I get the continuation ;)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconnoodlesaddict:
Critique by NoodlesAddict Dec 5, 2012, 3:25:30 AM
A very very good first piece. The beginning really blows your mind and the characters have clear personalities. Rifel is a strong character, authentic, he spread his energy to everyone. Duncan is very believable. His fear and anguish "prison" the reader. And generally the story has credibility.

You really got me into the plot but at some point I felt like all the intensity cooled off. This happened at this point "That is irrelevant... must be punished." in Rifel's words. This is due to the length of the answer. It felt like a long answer didn't fit his personality. This kicked me out of the atmosphere.

However, congratulations for the choice of words. It coats the story beautifully.

All in all, it's a charming story that provokes you to read more. Great Job!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconshadowequinox:
shadowequinox Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Duncan's mad.
Reply
:iconstanleythecat:
stanleythecat Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Student Artist
Nice getting better and better
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Professional Writer
I'm glad that's the case! I'd hate if it got worse and worse. XD
Reply
:iconstanleythecat:
stanleythecat Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Student Artist
Well yeah... I would be lying if I said that
Reply
:iconkawaiirigbylover66:
KawaiiRigbyLover66 Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013
This is really great! You are a very good writer and this is really well written!!!
I love how descriptive the writing is and I find the story very interesting. :)
<3
Reply
:iconfantasygal99:
Fantasygal99 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Honestly I was a little unsure of this at first-but this is fantastic!
Reply
:iconboolosuspichu86:
BoolosusPichu86 Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
sus-PENSE!!!
:3
lol idk
anyways... freakin love for dis is shown... :3




Triumvirate... y u h8 free thinking |:[=
we were give it, so y not use it some time...
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Professional Writer
:3 I'm glad you enjoy it.
Do you think it's good enough for me to make it big as an author?
Reply
:iconboolosuspichu86:
BoolosusPichu86 Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
of- FREAKIN - course :3
it, to me, is grade S material :3
wait.. i forget if S is a real grade :P
or even X... :|
all i know is that it is better than an A
Reply
:iconchaotickizmit:
ChaoticKizmit Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I have read all of your installments. So far, I am really enjoying them. The only thing I could suggest (for chapter 001) is to perhaps change the location of the outlook description. When you are describing the area, you are essentially setting the scene (which should come earlier), having it further along in the chapter seemed a little out of place. Other than that; It's great! My son is in the process of writing a story, I'm going to point him toward yours so he can gain some pointers!
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Professional Writer
I'll take it into consideration. :D
I think the description of the outlook fits well, but I'll ask other people to get a consensus and go from there. <3
Thank you very much for the kind words -- make sure your son let's me know it's him when he comments here!
Reply
:iconchaotickizmit:
ChaoticKizmit Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
The description itself is great, as is the rest of the chapters so far. It's just that with everything I have ever learned about writing, setting the scene comes first.
I will make sure to tell him, here on DA he is Evil Lizard Master lol. Keep up the good work, I look forward to more installments!
Reply
:iconineiradoll:
iNeiraDoll Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Student Filmographer
You should write a book sometime, It was really good. *o*
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Professional Writer
That's what this is. :P
It's getting published when it's done. :)
Reply
:iconineiradoll:
iNeiraDoll Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Student Filmographer
Can't wait :3 :D
Reply
:iconulquiorralover79:
ulquiorraLover79 Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012
tht is rly good 0.0
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks! I hope you read the others and in the right order!
Reply
:iconulquiorralover79:
ulquiorraLover79 Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012
alright :3
Reply
:iconladyeirika:
LadyEirika Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Interesting
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks!!!!
Make sure you read all the other parts too~
Reply
:iconladyeirika:
LadyEirika Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
I'll be sure to do so.
Are you going to turn it into a comic as well?
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Professional Writer
Right now it's a novel.
It would be interesting as a comic... but I don't have the skills, nor the money to make that happen.
Reply
:iconladyeirika:
LadyEirika Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Just wondering
Reply
:iconohbite:
Ohbite Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
this might be something i will actually read if i can buy it and that's allot since XD i dont just like any book has to real have the right touches and story-line so far i think ima keep reading more into this everytime i get the chance = )
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Professional Writer
Oh wow! Thanks so much for the kind words.
What is it you liked the most about it so far? I'll try to do more of it in the rest of the book.
And this book will be published... it's just gonna be put on DA for free first because I like freedom and feedback.
Reply
:iconohbite:
Ohbite Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
thats really awesome and no problem thanks for writing something that catches my attention im really a fantasy of --i mean ima real fantasy lover sorry ima bit tired since i was working on that art just now junkodou and yah i just read that part but which is the begining part so i can start off the right way
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Professional Writer
[link]
That's the starting :)
Reply
:iconohbite:
Ohbite Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
^ u^ thanks
Reply
:iconevileenya:
Evileenya Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student General Artist
I really like this! I think that instead of writing "to make a distance", you could write" to create distance" or "to gain distance". The first one sounds a little weird.

This scene is really intense, though. In a good way. I was sucked into the story and I felt the anger Duncan must be feeling. If that's what you hoped to achieve, good job.
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Professional Writer
How did you feel when Duncan revealed he killed his family to prove he would devote himself fully to The Triumvirate?
Reply
:iconevileenya:
Evileenya Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student General Artist
I felt like.. well first, I was like "holy crap... ohhhhh." Because that explains why he is feeling the rush of emotions more. That part is the icing on the cake. It's the climax. Like I could not begin to have more feels after that part.
Reply
:iconfallenixfrozenfire:
FallenIXFrozenFire Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
\o/
Beautiful writing~
Just as always~ >w<
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Professional Writer
Yay!!!!
What did you like the best?
Reply
:iconfallenixfrozenfire:
FallenIXFrozenFire Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
I like it all~
You're actually my new inspiration to keep trying to write my book series. :3




Btw, Kyle, do you have a Skype? o:
Or an LoL? |3
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Professional Writer
My skype is kyle.gerald.lambert :O
Wait, I inspired you? I'm an inspiration? Wow!
Reply
:iconfallenixfrozenfire:
FallenIXFrozenFire Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012
Okai~
Thankies.
And yes, you have inspired me. <33
Reply
:iconloopydraw-r:
loopydraw-r Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
awesome!
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Professional Writer
Aww come on! There's gotta be more to say than that. ;)
Reply
:iconloopydraw-r:
loopydraw-r Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
lol,sorry,im kinda bad at giving comments xD
Well,i can say that i love it so far,and when i found out duncan killed his family,surprising!I cant wait to read more!
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Professional Writer
Yeah -- that was my favourite part.
For him to do SO much to prove his loyalty -- only to be disowned because he seeks knowledge The Triumvirate deems controversial or harmful to society.
Reply
:iconloopydraw-r:
loopydraw-r Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
yeah
Reply
:iconrainbowdashrulez:
RainbowDashRulez Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student General Artist
I hope I don't seem lazy with this tiny review- but it's not my fault. I'm super tired today :P

Anyways I found this "chapter"--would you concider it, or parts?-- anyways i found this part if the story my favorite part. The conversation flowed beautifully and the reactions help me find more about the characteristics of each character. I truly love this story. All I can say is- Wow. just. Wow. :)
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you! No I don't think you're lazy!
Every little bit of input helps!
It's not so much a chapter, as it is a page of the final book.
If you look at 001, after the quote you see "One", indicating that this is all chapter one.
It will all be chapter one until you see "Two", at the beginning.
What did you think about Duncan's character in this scene?
I think it's sad what he did to prove his loyalty.
Reply
:iconrainbowdashrulez:
RainbowDashRulez Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student General Artist
I think I could compare this story to the Giver (don't get worked up- its super original), anyways... In this story it feels as if society is trying to correct the mistakes of the past race. I could relate Duncan to that one soul who isn't hypnotized or oblivious to what life really is. And that's magical. wonderful. Contradicting all of those who believe not of what is true but what is against the faults of humans. They are not only ridding their society of the faults and flaws, but the heavenly and beautiful factors our society has. This creates such a climatic feel. I love it.
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks for the kind words!
Yeah, I'm aiming to make a morally gray world/theme.
For every positive there is a negative.
Reply
:iconrainbowdashrulez:
RainbowDashRulez Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student General Artist
And for every negative there *should* be a positive to fix it. But in our society, there usually isn't. Which is why in this new society, they are trying to create no negatives because they cannot fix them with positives. Am I correct?
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Professional Writer
The Triumvirate believes they have the perfect society.
They will kill anyone that tries to make it otherwise, or anyone that goes against their way of thought.
So they use negatives in order to prevent more negatives, if that makes sense.
They do this for the greater good of their world, so negative to positive ends.
It's a nice way to live -- because the vast majority of people obeys them.
But the rebellion believes they deserve to be free to think whatever they want.
Reply
:iconrainbowdashrulez:
RainbowDashRulez Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Student General Artist
so deep... just. soo... deep.
Reply
:iconkatanasakurai:
KatanaSakurai Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
wow o.o
well i saw that journal article about u saying for the people u faved to read this. So, first of all thank you for the fav :) and second of all, i decided to try and read this story. it didnt seem that long anyways.
im glad i did! i love ur writing style! it's very submersive, if that makes sense, it draws me in.
in the beginning, meaning towers 000, it seemed almost like the story line opening of a game. (actually, that may just be me, who has recently been working on creating a game but none of the programs listen to me -_- ) But then, when I got to the actual first chapter, 001, then I saw how it was actually a story. And it's a great story! The plot is very nicely develop(ed/ing), and it keeps me very interested! Ima watch this you cause i wanna finish your story :)
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks! That means so much to me!
I'm writing this as if it were a game, like Mass Effect.
But I'm also introducing elements like in Star Wars and Redwall.
I'm honored for the watch and I won't disappoint you -- make sure to tell your friends!
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconkylelambert: More from KyleLambert


Featured in Collections

Great Frickin' Literature by TheSkull31

good stories need to be read by I-HATE-YOU-FOREVER




Details

Submitted on
December 3, 2012
File Size
4.2 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
829
Favourites
25 (who?)
Comments
92
×