Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login


"Ignorance is my life." Rifel admitted, his hot breath hitting Duncan in the face as he remained pinned to the soil. "It is all I need to know; and so I know everything."

Valessa cringed as Duncan took no credence from these words, choosing instead to raise his fist and bring it down upon Rifel. The sound that followed was indescribable – only signalling the extreme pain of the older vulpine.

"You crave knowledge; and so you know nothing..." Rifel continued under his breath, clearly in a pain most intense. "That pursuit of knowledge... will only bring you hurt and sorrow. Hurt and sorrow will... deliver you to death."

Duncan started to audibly protest, but was interrupted as Rifel grabbed a piece of rock from the eroded outlook, and brought it smashing against the bear's face. Valessa heard noises that she would rather soon forget, as Duncan gargled in pain at his crushed cranium. Rifel used the other male's daze in his favour as he gripped Duncan  by the chest and pushed him aside -- freeing the vulpine to let him stand. Duncan was on all fours, crawling and coughing up his lifeblood and teeth as Rifel looked down upon him, exaggerating his dominance.

"Pathetic like humanity. You thought you were in charge, and then the tables turned. Your own ideals and aspirations are what hurt you, Duncan!"

Rifel kicked him in the gut and took pleasure in his pitiful whines, as he tried with every ounce of courage to regain his balance. But it was difficult, and his paws slipped in the soil, getting his fur wet and muddy as he continued to fail.

Rifel brought his foot to Duncan's face this time, causing the ursa to turn over and fall on his back, writhing in pain as his vision was reduced to a red blur.

Valessa was conflicted as to whether or not she should be witnessing this violence, for if anyone else were here, they would be shielding her eyes in fright. But part of being independent, as young as she was – was the ability to maintain her calm in such peculiar situations. The ramifications that awaited her if she didn't get information worth any money, was her sole motivation. Starvation, was scary.

"It's okay..." Rifel said calmly. "A death for The Triumvirate is a meaningful one. I could not think of any other way even as remotely righteous as that. A death that serves to prove a point to all... that is a good one. So, if killing you saves our world from hurt – it is worth every moment of pain so long as it helps us endure."

Duncan gave up his attempts to return to his two feet, and instead started to crawl towards the edge of the outlook, grunting intensely with the move of every limb; the trail of blood in his wake starting to stain the outlook's beauty.

Rifel placed his paws softly on his thighs, next to daggers resting in their sheathes, and took slow steps to remain beside him; looking almost regal in his stance. Valessa had never seen those weapons before, but then again she had never really placed much attention on the thighs of the older vulpine. So for all intents and purposes, these blades appeared as if out of nowhere, one now gripped tightly in his paw as he knelt beside Duncan -- whose head was now over the edge and staring endearingly below. He reached out into the vast nothingness and tried to grasp it with his paw, groaning and saying indistinguishable words as he did.

"I am sorry for this, I am. But your death will give life to many kin." said Rifel as he brought the dagger down harshly, piercing Duncan's back and making the ursa give out high pitched screams as Valessa saw the blade effortlessly sink in.

"This is how you killed them, isn't it?" Rifel asked, as he twisted the blade, causing Duncan to emit even more grotesque sounds. "This is how you killed your family? With a knife through the back..."

Duncan turned his head to Rifel, his mouth opened as if in shock.

"Don't worry." Rifel smiled. "I know that tactic all too well. But you need to realize, there is no such thing as family... There is no such thing as a friend or a foe. It's actually much simpler than that -- a friend is just an enemy you let get close."

He pulled the blade out in one simple movement, as if Duncan's fur was butter, before he turned around and shut his eyes tight.

"I am not without my mercy." he started to explain. "If you are so eager to see what lies below, then I will grant you that desire. Your... final wish."

He kept his eyes closed as he wandered back into the amphitheatre, displaying the fact that the layout of the building was implanted in his memory. He said nothing, and showed no morsel of remorse. He didn't know it, but he left Valessa to watch in horror as the ursa slowly took after the stream, trickling over the edge and embarking on the long and fateful journey to the surface.

This was the first and only time she let the notepad fall from her paw.
THIS WAS BYFAR THE HARDEST THING I EVER HAD TO WRITE.
THIS IS ALSO THE END OF CHAPTER ONE.
Wow...
I had never put so much poetry into anything I have written before.
Sure this is a scene about Rifel doing what he was told to, but it's actually much deeper than that.
This scene is a living allegory for the relationship between humanity and animals. Duncan represents the humans, and Rifel represents the animals. Pay attention to the positions of their struggle.
Who is in charge, who is submissive. In what order, and who ends up prevailing.
Re-read this section with that in mind, and you will be bathed with insight into the downfall of humanity -- how exactly it happened (maybe the animals had a hand in it?), and spawn your own interpretation of our downfall.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconburningangels101:
This piece stunned me from the very first sentence to the end. It carries a very strong message that I believe you portrayed extremely well, and also shows the ruthlessness of the Triumvirate in a way that sets them up extremely clearly as the antagonists.
I also thought that even though it was very serious it also shows something we have all heard: ignorance is bliss. And leaves me wondering if this is true, and wanting to read more to see if you reveal the answer later on.
I also enjoy the use of traits that are so utterly human: friends, family, and making them sound weak looking at it from an animal perspective, in which there is only the pack, alpha and omega.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconcoleaini:
Critique by ColeAiNi Dec 11, 2012, 10:29:33 PM
This was intense. Normally I don't read stories like this but I am more than ecstatic that I did so. I am going to go through and read the rest when I get the free time. I love the description and feel I got when reading the clear dominance. Taking so completely from Duncan, kicking him while he was down. I enjoy the hopelessness of the situation, and the fact that it was made up for with the; "This is how you killed them, isn't it?" Rifel asked, as he twisted the blade, causing Duncan to emit even more grotesque sounds. "This is how you killed your family? With a knife through the back..." That had to be my favorite part. And the end of the piece as well, Valessa just being there, alone after witnessing such a moment, it takes back the fact that one might want to side with Rifel and makes you think, was this utter cruelty or what there more. I absolutely can't wait to read more.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconshadowequinox:
shadowequinox Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Ouch!
Reply
:iconstanleythecat:
stanleythecat Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Student Artist
Coolio :D
Reply
:iconacewolf2000:
AceWolf2000 Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2013  Student General Artist
Wow, you are very talented, keep writing!
Reply
:iconboolosuspichu86:
BoolosusPichu86 Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
oh my glob, oh my glob...

... is what i would say if i were there... then run for my life :3
writing something and trying to cut it off somewhere was a problem for me, cuz i just had the urge to continue it and end it in one piece...
yep...
it being epic here :3
--
i look forward to more of your works ;3
Reply
:iconkitsuneichigo:
KitsuneIchigo Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
I'm torn between feeling bad for Duncan and not at the same time. I can see why this would be so hard for you to write, trying to convey so much in one passage without completely writing it out is difficult, but I think you did a good job.
(apologies for not commenting on 003, I wanted to get to this to see what would happen)
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Professional Writer
Thanks!!! I am personally very proud of this scene, and Rifel's words I find are very profound and philosophical.
Reply
:iconwolftears9192:
WolfTears9192 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
Again I think you have done well I really enjoyed this
Reply
:iconshyannturnerofficial:
ShyannTurnerOfficial Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
So far, I think this chapter is my favorite ^w^ Its amazing, and I can see it all happening in my head, its perfect!
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Professional Writer
Yay! But start at 000, you're going backwards this way <3
Reply
:iconshyannturnerofficial:
ShyannTurnerOfficial Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha I already did. I read quickly <3 I can't wait for the newest one ^^
Reply
:iconamethystsadachbia:
AmethystSadachbia Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Interesting… I think you should turn this into a comic. You'd have a great chance of getting it published by Radio Comix. I know the editor personally. ;3
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Professional Writer
You know the editor? Send me a note, let's talk.
I like to stick to text, and I do have a current publishing offer on the table -- but I'm open to discussion!
Please inform me.
Reply
:iconamber-emerald:
Amber-Emerald Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Dude this story is awesome!!!!!!!!!!
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you very much!!!!!!
Watch me and follow along -- I'm gonna be doing a draw every time I upload a new page.
Reply
:iconamber-emerald:
Amber-Emerald Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
All ready done! :) You're welcome
Reply
:iconnuzzies:
nuzzIes Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
amazing story
Reply
:iconleanimefiend:
LeAnimeFiend Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
Good script :)
Reply
:iconleanimefiend:
LeAnimeFiend Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
I really liked how it was focused on animals and their dialogue is very unique ^_^
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you! Writing dialogue is my favourite thing to do.
Reply
:iconleanimefiend:
LeAnimeFiend Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
I stink at dialogue that's a reason I can't draw comics xD
Reply
:iconlockedprisms:
LockedPrisms Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Student Writer
Omg, this is really good. Your description is amazing, and your characterization is spellbounding as well. You college-level vocabulary brought me into a state of shock, because I'm just a junior, y'know. lol Anyways, love it, and I can't wait for more!
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Wow! Thanks for the kind words. ;)
Reply
:iconlockedprisms:
LockedPrisms Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Student Writer
welcome~
Reply
:icongarrodwindfang:
GarrodWindfang Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
Good grief... you have some real talent here. :D

I would agree with :iconmlaproduction: about elaborating on your characters a bit though. perhaps also you could find metaphors for the indescribable sounds; you used that a few times throughout. Still, keep at it, and great job. :)
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you! When I say indescribable I love to keep it up to the imagination of the reader. People of differing violent views will always have a different interpretation of what the sounds are.
Thank you very much for your kind words - and please watch to continue this epic journey with chances to win along the way.
I will start describing the characters in much more detail in the next scene -- as that has been my main criticism.
Reply
:iconi-hate-you-forever:
I-HATE-YOU-FOREVER Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012
lovely story i wounder what shall happen in yet another :)
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks!
Please try reading the earlier entries.
And watch me because I'm doing a draw like this every time I upload a new page -- which is once a week!
So take a journey with these characters while also having a great chance at winning!
Reply
:iconi-hate-you-forever:
I-HATE-YOU-FOREVER Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012
cool! hey, your good at art work, you could do comic books! people i know are most interested with those!!!
Reply
:iconinsomniacattack:
InsomniacAttack Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is very interesting. It's not often you come across an animal story, or not often I do. I am actually very much a fan of the names, they're different, and unique to me, which as simple as it is.. I am very much a fan of. You have very good descriptions making it rather easy to picture and not any super-complex words or wording to make extremely difficult to read or understand, it seems very dramatic as well. Too which I end with saying, keep up the good work.
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you very much! Really!
Try watching me and reading the earlier entries -- the story is just starting so it's not too much to read right now.
I'm planning to do a premium draw every week when I upload a new page.
So keep faving and commenting and you'll get like 4 chances a month to win!
Reply
:iconinsomniacattack:
InsomniacAttack Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Alright man, sounds good :)
And anytime! I do hope you get your story published some day. ^_^
Never give up!
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
I already have a publishing deal for when it's finished. :)
Reply
:iconinsomniacattack:
InsomniacAttack Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congrats! :O I wish you the best of luck in the future.
Reply
:iconbunbundarabit:
bunbundarabit Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Student General Artist
very interesting story i raelly enjoy it so far also it might be the fact that im crazy for gore but genraly when people or animals are stabbed in the torso the cough up blood how do i know horror movies and a dog i knew got ran over by a school bus infront of my house once but the generaly have blood comeing from the mouth leading to eather asfixeation of blood or just plain blood loss but still very interesting story ^^
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
That bus driver should have been paying more attention!
Try reading the earlier entries in the story to get the full picture.
I'm uploading a page once a week so watch me and follow along to keep winning!
Reply
:iconbunbundarabit:
bunbundarabit Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Student General Artist
i was in third grade when that happened the guy didnt slow down or even stop to see if the dog was okay a few minutes later some friends of the owned asked for a black garbage bag so the could bring the dog to the owner without getting blood on themselfs it was really sad :(
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
That does sound really terrible -- and seeing something like that when you're only in third grade -- I can understand how it would be a tad sad/traumatizing.
But I can also understand how that would get you accustomed to such sights.
You can also maybe sympathize with Valessa because of what she just witnessed in this page.
Reply
:iconbunbundarabit:
bunbundarabit Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Student General Artist
it wasnt tramatizeing more like deseanceitizeing (i really cant spell sorry) to me i dont feel much of anything when it comes to death or pain really im a little twisted..
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Desensitizing*** :)
I feel the same way too though, horror movies and stuff like that don't bother me at all.
Reply
:iconbunbundarabit:
bunbundarabit Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Student General Artist
cool but whittnessing death is a little bit diffrent oh a and thanks for the actual spelling^^;
Reply
:iconfireworks-explode:
Fireworks-Explode Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012
"Pathetic like humanity." Made me giggle.
I'm not particularity partial to animal-based fiction (not to mention I just finished two novels in a week, so reading is a stretch lol.) but the way you write is very nice. You have a pretty extensive vocabulary, which helps to breathe life into your characters and their situations.

As much description as you already have, I would definitely say to describe the characters a little bit better, and try to stay away from "vulpine" or "ursa".

I'll read the rest of the story when my mind feels less like mush. xD
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks for the kind words! Unfortunately the way of describing a fox and a bear really only limits me to vulpine/fox and ursa/bear. So I'll try to switch it up and then use only their name once their race is cemented to the reader.
Please watch me, and read the others when you get the chance.
I plan to upload a page every week and I will do a premium subscription drawing every time I upload a new page.
So embark along this journey -- keep giving awesome feedback and you could win!
Reply
:iconfireworks-explode:
Fireworks-Explode Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012
you could abstract it just slightly.
Like, "The towering grizzly bared his teeth as he...blahblahblahblah" or "The agile, red-furred...blahblahblah." xD

Fur color, and body type could be used in place of what kind of animal they are as well(:
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
This is true! Thanks for the advice...
If you continue reading I'm sure you'll find I make use of your advice. xD
Reply
:iconfireworks-explode:
Fireworks-Explode Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012
And my writing teacher always says to write as if the person who will be reading it has never heard of it before. Like, they are coming in with absolutely no prior knowledge.

^best advice I can give. xD I'll shut up now. I feel like I'm kind of...going on and on. lol. (:

Happy writing!
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
That advice is very good and true. :)
Reply
:iconjorky101:
Jorky101 Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012
Awesome choice of words! The story plays very clearly in my head, which is one of the things I look for when reading. I easily felt the emotions which doesn't happen all to often. Good luck on finishing the book :)
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you very much!
Please read the few earlier entries to understand the full story.
And watch me because I plan to upload a page every week and do a prize drawing with every page! I want everyone to embark on this epic journey, while having chances to win alongside it.
Reply
:iconmoonthemew:
MoontheMew Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Student Writer
It's so interesting and motivating. Makes the reader realize their struggle...
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you!
Make sure to watch me~~
Read the earlier entries to catch up, and read every new submission for a chance to win by faving/commenting.
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconkylelambert: More from KyleLambert


Featured in Collections

Great Frickin' Literature by TheSkull31


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
December 11, 2012
File Size
5.1 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,118
Favourites
58 (who?)
Comments
188
×