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Submitted on
December 14, 2012
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"Two children is all a mother may bear. This is not a rule of our leaders – but one of nature. Attempts to give birth after the thought are met with the death of a mother -- and her child. The lapine race however, is a significant exception. The ability for the rabbits to breed unchecked has led to overpopulation and famine."
~Argus Vallure


"One"

Valessa gripped the bedsheets tightly in her paw, panting intensely as the sweat on her body became effectively a sheet of ice. It had only been a week since the murder on the outlook, but the events were still fresh in her mind. As if infinitely reoccurring; that was how she knew another scar had been born into her brain. It was the early morning hours, and thus her sight blurred with the fatigue of being prematurely awakened. Until she rubbed her eyes to get them accustomed to the waking life, she could only help but make out the reddish brown of her fur, and the way that at her knees, it changed abruptly into black.

This was true with almost all the vulpine, having people jeer the entire fox race in calling this pigmentation: 'boots'. She liked them however, and the teasing did little to change that. Proceeding to shift her body sideways, she let the boots dangle from her bed and hit the cold hardwood floor. Her hair wasn't too long, but it was always mangled and curled in the morning, causing small strands of the hazelnut brown locks to hang in front of her face. She would always push these aside before rubbing her eyes awake.

When her vision was clear, she brought out that first morning yawn, as if that one moment let out all the worries of the night. In fact, her nights had become more worrisome as of late. With recreations of the outlook murder happening on a near nightly basis, she needed to exaggerate the effect this small yawn would have -- and so she did as she stood up from her bed and surveyed the room.

"What a stupid nightmare..." she said to herself quietly as she walked towards her mirror. "If I can even call it that – since it really happened and all."

Looking herself in her pure turquoise eyes, she used a paw to brush aside the rest of her hair. This was to make sure that her vision wasn't obscured by the strands still astray. Her room wasn't exceptionally large, much like the rooms of her other kin; all having the same as her: a box shaped room made of wood that consisted of nothing other than a bed, a mirror, and a desk with chairs. It was all she needed however, and simply,  she found contentment in her ownership of it.

After she was lucid and dressed, she would open her door and begin the morning ritual, unchanged as it had been for as long as she could remember. As soon as one were to leave her room, they would notice an extremely long hallway, with around thirty other doors leading to rooms just like hers. With a grace that only she had possessed, she slowly walked past every single one, giving three hard knocks to signal the residents inside that it was now morning.

"It's time for breakfast!" she called out happily. "First ten to the kitchen get an extra apple with their meal! Seriously, this time!"

It was widely known that Valessa had an important job. One that could not be understated,  and didn't come without a hate for The Triumvirate. The three rulers that made up that trinity, absolutely detested the lapine; and for reasons that everybody knew. Most of the lapine chose to exercise their freedom of multiple births, and those that did excessively were killed for jeopardizing the safety of the towers. More children than were intended led to large shortages of food and space. Such was the opinion of The Triumvirate.

So, the kin that came out from those thirty doors and scurried down the stairs to the mess hall – were ones without parents, being nurtured in this orphanage run by Valessa and her friends. Losing one's parents to an inherent racial trait – that was not acceptable. Not to Valessa, nor to anyone else in this house.
People told me I needed to describe the characters and surroundings more -- so this is my attempt, while shedding light on what exactly Valessa does other than spying, and why she is so obsessed with getting the money from said spying.
I hope you enjoy this, and please comment on how you think I handled the introduction of Valessa.
No the previous scene was not all a dream. But she has been having nightmares of it ever since she saw those horrific events. And who wouldn't... she is so young and impressionable at this point.

The quote is also imperative to the plot, and is one of the MAJOR aspects of this world -- introducing the racism and segregation of the lapine that The Triumvirate has been preaching.
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This piece of writing is extremely detailed and uses many pharses to convey its points of interest. The piece is attention drawing and uses complicted words when needed, possibly attracting older audiences to read it.

One of the most interesting writing techniques in this piece is of course personification and looking at that through a third person perspective.

I think you could try to add in more action. I know that this is quite a short piece of writing, but many readers would put it down half way because all they may be seeing is confusing words and much description of what the main character is doing. That is not too big a problem, but it is possibly something to look into for longer pieces that may join onto this one.

I'm not sure what age group and gender this piece is aimed at, but it would do good to take into consideration the vocabulary of certain age groups and perhaps their interest in certain themes.

Good job with creativity and thanks for reading this critique!
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:iconstarlightfox9926:
This Is Probaly My Favorite Chapter Its So Well done, many words used to capture the detail. Its a Work of Art, you Have a Gift My friend! I cant wait Intil You Write more and upload it I was litterly sad when it ended D:! thanks for guiding me to your page <3 I loved every single word you wrote, Every sing Aspect,Every single Detail! Please Continue I hope you never stop writing it would be a waste of Such Amazing talent! You Must have had very good Teachers and a Active imagination because you are just godly when it comes to writing!

Sincerely
StarlightFox9926
(your Fan) :)
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:iconshadowequinox:
shadowequinox Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
If i was one of them, i'd book it to breakfast. I love apples.
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:iconstanleythecat:
stanleythecat Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Student Artist
Rifle killed his student!!
Reply
:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Professional Writer
Yeah, he's kind a jerk isn't he?
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:iconstanleythecat:
stanleythecat Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Student Artist
TRUE STUPID CAPS
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:iconmaddyhope33:
MaddyHope33 Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
wow that was amazing I cant believe Rifel killed his student and it was so detailed
at first i thought Duncan was going to kill Rifel and then that Valessa might help out
then he died and i was so sad but finding out that Valessa is apart of taking care of orphans that justed warmed my heart :')

I have only read a few pages and I'm so into it im total a fav now hehe so is there any more pages
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:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Professional Writer
I'm doing my best to write more! n_n
So far it only goes up to 007~
Thanks so much for your kind words and support.
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:iconmaddyhope33:
MaddyHope33 Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
no problem you deserve them :) now i must read 007 hehe
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:iconkitsuneichigo:
KitsuneIchigo Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
While I did like that the previous fills were somewhat mysterious and left the reader attempting to grab a deeper message, I also like this. It's a nice little meaty bit compared to what there was before, and I'm starting to like Vanessa more and more. I think it's nice that you included the mental trauma of seeing Duncan's death instead of having it barely faze her, I don't think enough writer's give credit to what one sees can do to one's mind.
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:iconsapphirehedgecat:
sapphirehedgecat Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012
:iconsadplz: murder?
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:iconkylelambert:
KyleLambert Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012  Professional Writer
In the previous chapter yes :3 It's a really nice scene
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